Monthly Archives: May 2012

Dead Birds Don’t Sing

by Deborah

One woman’s dirty work — made picturesque

And they don’t make a peep when you run over them with your mini van, either.

I know.  That’s terrible.  But it’s true.

The morning started out like any other. I pried my eyes open with an alcoholic’s promise to not stay up late working tonight and yes, to get out of bed tomorrow before my kids run in asking for breakfast.  Without time to brew coffee, I rushed the kids out of the house and drove them to the bus-stop five miles down the street.  30 minutes later, I returned home with the warmth of a Starbucks latte coursing through my veins, ready to hit my computer and start my work day.  I slowed as I approached our driveway.  What was that mound of black feathers barring my drive to the garage?   Was that blood?   Was it… yes, it was a dead bird!   Ewwww.

I maneuvered the car’s wheels around the carcass and cursed that my husband ran over a bird and left me with the clean-up.  Maybe I could pretend I never saw it?  Or maybe one of my neighbors would be kind enough to throw it in their doggie poop bag on their daily walk-by?   Wait.  This is L.A.  The only guarantee from our neighbors is gossip ’cause a dead bird left on your property gets people talking.  And not in the good way.

I opened the garage in search of a shovel, mumbling to myself about the virtues of being a strong woman with an unchivalrous husband raising two kids and running a company who shouldn’t be skittish about dead omnivores when, lo-and-behold, I saw that my husband’s car was still parked.  If my husband hadn’t run over the bird, who had?

I walked slowly, shovel in hand, to the front of the driveway.  I know what you’re thinking.   Like watching that woman strip off her clothes and splash late night into the dark shark-infested water, you want to shout, Don’t go!  Stop!  Make your husband do it!  But I knew.  You know?

The bird was still warm.  Its little bird brain was splattered across the cement.  Blood pooled around it.  My stomach heaved.  I looked at the trajactory of the tire tracks.  The location of the wings.

I had run over the bird.  And I hadn’t even noticed.

And as the responsible party, it was my duty to clean it with dignity.

Otherwise, who am I?  I obsess over how to be a better Mom and a worthwhile businesswoman. But the only way to lead — be it of a twosome of under 9 years olds or a team of advanced-degree-holding engineers, is NOT to delegate the disgusting, reality-jolting jobs of life to others.  If I can’t face down my fears or overcome my own desire to let others do my “dirty work,” how can I expect to raise the next generation of good citizens or inspire innovation and change?  How to be a better parent and a more successful CEO?

Own up to your mess, apologize (oh nameless, unfortunate bird, I am so sorry) and clean it up.

And let me assure you, scraping bird guts off the pavement at 7:30 am quickly reminds you how tenuous the whole thing is…

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Candy now makes me dumb?!

by Deborah

Don’t do it.  I mean it.  Oh no.  I can’t help myself.  Just one, I promise.  Oh, damn it.

The newest “As if I don’t have enough on my plate already” scientific study is out today.  Let me save you the 7 minutes to read it.

Eating anything made with processed sugar (in the form of corn syrup) messes up your brain function.

Yup.  They have the rats to prove it.  You eat sugar?  You an idiot.  Say yes to that slice o’ birthday cake?  Might as well let them take a swing at your head with the pinata stick.  Coca Cola?  One-way ticket to failing out of Community College.  Banana Split?  You be one dumb monkey.

So, let’s add it to our list, shall we?

THINGS TO DO to be smarter & healthier:

1.)  Exercise every day

Oops.  Meant to take that power walk but there’s so much on my Totefish To Do list.   I swear, I’ll show up for tennis clinic tomorrow.  And maybe I won’t be late.  Or have to leave early.

2.)  Sleep 7 – 8 hours every night

Well, started reading email before going to bed, then surfed web for an hour, then son had pee accident and husband woke me twice with his snores.

3.)  Drink 6 – 8 glasses of water every day

What’s the word on drinking out of a BPA-laden plastic water bottle that sat in a hot, sunny car all week?  Another cup of coffee, anyone?

4.)  Eat fruit and veggies every day

On no.  Forgot to buy them at the Farmer’s Market.  And I didn’t wash them.  Wait, I did wash them but, oh no, the tap water has higher-than-recommended concentrations of arsenic.    Is that bad?

5.)  Find time to relax, get calm and “do nothing”

So, it appears that while meditating, I forgot to pick up the kids from the bus-stop, swing by the grocery store to buy dinner, return that phone call to the new JAVA engineer, book the train tickets for the summer vacation and map out a legit strategy for customer acquisitions and oh, no, doesn’t Kendall have an orthodontist appointment??  Shit, shit, shit.

6.)  Don’t consume caffeine, sugar, alcohol, drugs or cigarettes

You see, I was at Whole Foods the other night and they only sell things that are good for you (right?) and yeah, I just walked through the kitchen to get a glass of a water and there was a box of Whole Foods chocolate-covered raisins and yeah, what I need now is a little sugar-pick-me-up.  Who wouldn’t shove a handful into their mouth?  No one’s watching, right?  Oh no.   What’s happening?  My list isn’t done but me no ‘member how to typ…

Happy Mother’s Day: The “Real” Cards of an L.A. Mom

by The Totefish Blog

Love you. Mean it.

In case the start-up business doesn’t pan out, I’ve got my next career at Hallmark all tee’d up:

CARD #1 to Me (from my kids):

Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue,

I promise never to get

A Mommy tatoo!

CARD #2 to Me (from my kids):

Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue,

You’re taller than Sophie’s Mom

And you sing Katy Perry songs really good, TOO!

CARD #3 to Me (from my kids circa 2034):

Roses are Pink,

Violets are White,

I’m sorry I thought otherwise,

Because it’s true.  You were right!

CARD to MY MOTHER (from me circa 2012):

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Actually, moms DON’T know best

Their grown daughters do!

CARD to MY MOTHER-IN-LAW (from me):

Roses grow high,

Violets near the wood,

He’s my husband, this is my house, they are my kids

All clear?   We’re good?

CARD to MY FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW (from an oedipal  me):

Roses like water,

Violets, the bee.

Don’t think for a second

He’ll love you more than me!

CARD to MY DAUGHTER WHEN SHE’S A MOTHER:

Roses are lovely,

Violets are rich,

Now you’re a Mom,

You’ll understand why some days, I was just a bitch.

(Sorry ’bout that.)

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HAPPY MAMA’S DAY, everyone!

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Simple Rules for Monday Nights

by The Totefish Blog

1.)  Don’t order a caffe latte at the restaurant at 9:30 pm.  You’ll regret it at 2 am.

2.)  Oops.

3.)  Find ways to amuse yourself quietly so as not to wake husband & kids.

4.)  Don’t Facebook search ex-boyfriends.

5.)  Don’t Linked In search ex-bosses.

6.)  Do surf a lot of shoe sites.

7.)  Don’t answer when you husband murmurs, “What time is it?”  He’s really asleep.

8.)  Do give yourself a mud-mask facial.

9.)  Do shake your head “no” when your son stands in the doorway and asks, “Is it morning time yet?” and Don’t explain the mud on your face.  He’s really asleep, too.  Walk him back to his bed, tuck him in and steal two neck kisses.

10.)  Don’t give yourself a European bikini wax.

11.)  Ever!

12.)  Do pull out the first chapter of your incomplete novel from the armoire.

13.)  Don’t read it.

14.)  Do curse Hemingway, King, Seuss and any other damn prolific writer you’ve heard someone praise.

15.)  Don’t say anything when you husband says, “Huh?”  He’s still asleep.  Really.

16.)  Do read your past blog posts and tell yourself you’re not a terrible writer.  Not really.  You’ve got potential.  Kinda.

17.)  Don’t wonder if your followers are only following you because they’re your friends and they’re afraid you’ll know when they unfollow you and then, wow, won’t that be awkward at the next Christmas Cookie swap party.

18.)  Do send your followers chocolates in the mail.  Guilt is real.  And it works.  Just ask your Mom.

19.)  Do know that you’re fucked in three hours when the kids come and ask you to make their lunches because it really will be morning time.

20.)  Don’t post that blog list you dashed off in a moment of 2 am inspiration ’cause anything that seems witty at 2:44 am is certainly not witty at 8 am.

21.)  Oops.